At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
