Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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