fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
