Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
