my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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