and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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