ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize