so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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