omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
