Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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