you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
