How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
