just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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