My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
