You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
