i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
