i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
