I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
