We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
