I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
