morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
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