someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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