oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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