ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
