The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just gargled with NyQuil
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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