remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
