That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
