i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
