how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize