I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize