Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
