i may or may not be watching the land before time
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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