Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
