I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize