You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
