I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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