Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
