Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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