The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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