hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
ambylanc
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
