All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
