I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
