haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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