all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
