Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
