someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
