Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
