i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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