so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
