Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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