I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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