If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize