I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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