She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
