I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize