just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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