I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
