I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
