My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
