He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize