It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
you had me at cake vodka
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
