I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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