hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i think i have two assholes
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
