im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
