My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
