So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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