Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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