My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
