I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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