am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
